Fight of my Life

18 Mar

Darkness! It’s the only word that can describe it. I could not see. I could not see the light. I couldn’t feel the Love that was around me. I couldn’t reach out for it as much as I groped for the light. I was in prison; bonded and heartbroken. Joy eluded me even though I kept appearances. That was the hardest part! Keeping up appearances in the midst of pain and despair. When I should have been trying to reach out to joy and peace, I put my energy into putting up appearances. How could I show that I was dying inside? That I could not see hope, I felt I had no right being alive.

Waking up was a hard reminder of my empty life and sleeping was just a hiatus from the pathetic state I saw my world to be in. When I wasn’t crying on the out, I was screaming on the in. I ran over everyone who tried to show me love or concern. I just wanted to be alone in my pathetic state. No one could offer me any help. No one could offer the light I needed. I would just push them into my darkness. I have heard people say that they found the hardest part to be that they would not hear God or feel His presence. Neither could I. How do you get out of such a pit! Is this what they call depression, I asked my sister.

I can’t remember when it happened, but hope started seeping in. I felt the Love. A little speck of light. I am sure there were others who prayed because I wasn’t able to. I would wake up and command joy into my life. A week, two weeks maybe a month I couldn’t feel it but I commanded it. Then I could feel it, then I showed it and now 6 months later, it has not left. I still command it every day but I have hope.

The speck of light is shining bright!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

(Romans 15:13, NIV)

 

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