27 Sep

A weekend with some of my girlfriends led to some in-depth discussions on a very intense topic. Why we were all single by choice or in relationships that take [exhaust] more than they benefit us. I recently met a lady who taught me over a decade ago (who remembered my two names even though I had forgotten hers, I was so impressed) and she asked me if I was married or courting. She said relationships were very taxing and were better off avoided. Her words were echoed in the discussion with my girlfriends. All these is very disturbing for me as I am a believer of ‘happily ever after’, soul mates and am even warming up to promise rings. So what is the problem here? In the discussion a number of issues were brought up that show that men are squarely to blame for the rising number of hurting women..

  • Of men who string women along because they are keeping them around as backup since they are ‘wife material’ but not for the moment because they still want to have good ‘man [boy] explores world’ times. Life does not work like that. You cannot have your cake and eat it too!
  • Of men who are in relationships but want to have a side squeeze. We cannot cuddle up, hang out or even go to first base if you are in another relationship. And changing your status on facebook is not the best way to let me know that you have a girlfriend, it is downright rude (cowards are total turn offs). Hints will not work either because if you are in a relationship you should not be in this situation in the first place.
  • Of men who cannot make up their minds on whether they like this girl or not. It’s not like choosing a career path neither is it rocket science, you either like her or you don’t, make it clear! And if you do not like me, say it too and not on text please! My world will not come to an end. I will probably cry over it for a few days or weeks (depending on how much I was into you) but I will come out all the wiser eventually and in one piece believe it or not.
  • Of indecisive men (read slow) who are not sure whether they want to be in a relationship so they act like they are in one but they have never declared their interests. Dude! Man up and state your stand. This avoids those “what are we” conversations which are usually very weird. The girl is almost always bound to feel wasted in such a situation.
  • Of the afore-mentioned indecisive guys, maybe you would like to declare your status but you feel you cannot handle a relationship at the moment, don’t string her along. If you cannot find space for her in your life, she probably does not mean that much to you anyway. There is no in-between, just stay as friends and don’t insinuate more than that
  • Of men who are paralyzed by their insecurities: be it education level, physical/character traits. Word is, if you think a girl likes you she probably does. And if she likes you genuinely, she does not care about all the degrees [things] you have achieved, how tall [short] you are or how poor [rich] you are. A faint heart never won a fair lady. Of course you should not be the loser type!
  • Of men who get surprised, even shocked when they are deleted from phone books and friends’ lists on social networks. You probably hurt me so bad and I want nothing more to do with you. I don’t care if you just don’t get it, you don’t have to understand. I need to heal in whatever way I think is best.
  • Of the type of guys who think women are too complicated and hard to please. On the contrary, women are the easiest to please. They like the simple things and effort counts for more than resources 99.7% of the time.
  • Of men who are ‘bugs’, if a girl is not interested give her space. Calling her (even when she is clearly ignoring your calls) more than five times a day is no way to score marks with her. Leave her be, will you!
  • Finally! Of men who disrespect their women. If you don’t treat your woman right, you need to style up!

To women, I guess if we are not happy with the situation we are in, we should love and respect ourselves enough to make a choice and take a stand against these mediocre men! At least we have tears, music, girlfriends, ice cream and chocolate to take us through the heartbreaks. Not all men are ‘dogs’. There are some good men out there. Let him find you doing what you were made to do and complement that.

Ladies pay no attention to statistics (Is 34:16, Mt 6:25-34)



  1. Nkirdizzle September 28, 2009 at 7:17 am #

    I hope enuf men get to read this coz i think some are kinda clueless.
    But my question is, so what happens when you decide to choose to stop being single?

  2. lilburdy September 28, 2009 at 6:11 pm #

    That’s one to think about:? I think that is when you strategize on a plan to get out of singledom (I’ve been known to be quite a matchmaker 😉 )

  3. Sonie September 28, 2009 at 7:03 pm #

    Great Post! Keep away from all those but I still do believe that there are great men out there (living proof), Just have to WAIT for the right time and when it comes God will surely confirm even if you are 21 😉 and everyone thinks you are crazy! Even after that its not easy but if he’s a man after Gods own heart its definately worth it!!!
    Praying for the right one :)!

  4. rockhead September 29, 2009 at 1:40 pm #

    I feel every point especially 2 and 3 as you have been witness. Your title is ra- oops fierce tho…how does it relate? Great post 🙂

  5. lilburdy September 29, 2009 at 3:21 pm #

    Thanks to all you 21 year old brides and the ones who have a doctorate degree worth of experience, you inspired me to be patient and not settle
    @rockhead, it does make sense…if you really think about it

  6. Sista C October 2, 2009 at 10:08 am #

    Lilburdy, you should have been a columnist or even better, start your own ‘gal power’ magazine!!!
    Really nice stuff and for sure, we gals need to style up and know our worth. The brothers need to know that we are worth much more than little nice words here and there. Words+Actions=good loving.


  1. GRACE FOR THE MODERN MAN | Rainbows in My Kaleidoscope - April 3, 2013

    […] a rigid list of expectations and teach this to the modern woman? This is not an excuse for women to choose blindly or settle for what we consider ‘losers’. I just wonder whether we may be living in a […]

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