5 Aug

For those who know me a while back they would be shocked to know that I have a blog where I write my real‘time’ thoughts. Everything I have written on this blog was about something I was going through or things I ponder about, the journey I have walked with God, from God and against God. There is much more that I do not write, I don’t think anyone can be so introspective that they exhaust their thoughts on a blog. I can be a very private person, which is not entirely bad but at times it does not do much good. I have to say being private (or reserved) was propelled by low self esteem. Every girl/lady/woman goes through some of these moments and now I understand that it was somewhat normal. I never got picked on or branded names as such. I would say my self esteem issues were caused by my high standards. I had set such great standards for myself that when I failed I beat myself up about it, there was no other way but perfection. I had to get the grades, the right words, the perfect reputation, but what was it all for? I wanted to be the best but why was it so important? It does not even matter anymore. I have to say my self esteem has improved over the years I sometimes think I am arrogant as I have changed so much I don’t recognize the lost insecure teenager anymore. I know that He has a plan and it is His way that will prosper. Man is but a breathe. We put so much importance on things of this world while He has told us to set our sights on things higher above (Col 3).

So what am I talking about when I write ‘walls down roof off’, I refer to brokenness before God. Where I see myself for who I am, a rehabilitating sinner under God’s merciful love. Brokenness involves humility, naivety and even patience which is not my strongest point. It means coming naked before God and seeking Him and admitting that I can do nothing if not with/for Him and that I do not want to. And a great change has come over me. I get surprised when am not anxious over something I would have been anxious about before or about the great things God is speaking into my life. I usually sit back and ask Him if He’s sure about the things He wants me to do. Does He know my size or even my age? But He requires me to be still and know that He is God. I cannot begin to write of all the things God has done, is doing and plans to do. All I can ask is that He gives me a heart like His to long for the things He longs for and grieve for those He does!


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