WHY THESE CONFLICTING EMOTIONS?

26 Jun

I was checking out a painting by a very talented lady called Sash. In her painting (sorry I could not get a picture) were two faces, one male and the other female. The two faces were painted apart. On the girl’s side were circles painted in fiery colours: shades of orange and red. On the guy’s side, the circles were cool colours; shades of blue and green. In the middle, the circles came together to form a mix of colours. The painting shows how it usually is when a couple is apart. The girl is in turmoil of emotions dreading every day of the separation while the guy is all cool as if nothing has changed. Then when they come together, all these emotions get mixed up together.

I couldn’t help but remember my experiences that proved the painting to portray truth. How many times I have not been on the same page with a boyfriend or a prospect. How things that seemed to hurt me never seemed to faze him. How he wouldn’t even notice that he hurt me when he belittled my feelings through continuous acts of inconsideration!

I don’t understand how he could be so sweet to me at one point. He would hang on to my every word; make me smile every time he mentioned something he liked about me. He never got tired of telling me how pretty I was [am] of the qualities he saw in me that made him fall deeper into this thing that we had (I wouldn’t call it love). Then came those times he would totally ignore me, he wouldn’t call in a day then it extended to two days and sometimes even a week or two. My friends would tell me to let him go and I would listen (at least my head would) but I still wanted to try. He went to an extent of disrespecting me in the presence of my friends and his.

Why do men do this? Why did he drift away from me?

Is it because I cared too much? Were we not on the same page? Did I do something wrong or did I do too much? Did it have to hurt so much seeing him with another even though I knew he would probably treat her the same way in a few months? I ended the ‘thing’ and cried over it for a few more months. He probably forgot about me the moment we went our separate ways but I did not for a very long time. I did not even resent him. I decided I would heal the right way. I would let time heal me. I would not be vengeful or resentful either.

Irony is, a few years later, he would realize what he had lost and come back to ask for forgiveness and a second chance. But I wouldn’t give the latter; not because there were hard feelings towards him but because I know I deserve better. He had his chance and he lost it!

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show

I should be open but I can’t stop thinking

Of all those things we should have said but we never said

Of all the things we should have done but we never did

All the things that you [I] wanted from me [you]

All the things that you [I] needed from me [you]

All the things I [you] should have given but I[you] didn’t

Make it go away

(This woman’s work, Maxwell)

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5 Responses to “WHY THESE CONFLICTING EMOTIONS?”

  1. Sonie June 28, 2009 at 9:40 pm #

    Next time we talk I need to ask you about this. The right one will come when you least expect. Follow your conscience. Its the Holy Spirits way of letting us know things!
    Praying for the right one.
    Love yah

    • lilburdy July 2, 2009 at 3:36 pm #

      I remember I used to think it’s unfair I had been praying so long and you got one faster (first) but now I know it’s in God’s plan

  2. rockhead July 1, 2009 at 7:08 am #

    Someone’s becoming even mushier than she claims I am…tee hee hee

    • lilburdy July 2, 2009 at 3:40 pm #

      It’s telling a story as it should be told. No room for mush here!

  3. Sista C October 2, 2009 at 10:31 am #

    Wow. And dont we all sistas go through the same stuff??? But God is good coz we come out stronger and better everytime!!!

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