So what happens when the same result keeps occurring even in different situations to the same person? It may be a case of having the same script but with different casts. What am I getting at?
I am talking about my relationships with men. They have all ended considering I am single now. I have sat and dissected the different relationships I have had (even the not-so-serious ones) and have come to the conclusion that I did not know any better but knew a bit more with the next relationship. Clearly this was of no use because I ended up with the same result-a broken relationship.
There have been stages I have gone through as all these introspecting and dissecting has been happening.
Stage 1: Blame Blame Blame
Blame the other party. He was the one who did not treat me right. Shout it for the entire world to know but don’t tell him. Give him a cold shoulder so he knows something is up. if he does not notice (which is most probable) shout even louder to the world and accept their kind words of condolence with mucho entitlement.
Stage 2: Blame some More
Blame the species. It seems all men are like that. Who needs them anyway?
But wait…what about all the women who seem to have succeeded?
Stage 3: Don’t Stop the Blame on My Account
Blame self. I am not worthy of love. No one can love me. It’s my entire fault. He was out of my league. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard. I shouldn’t have been so complacent. I’m not pretty/skinny/ [insert self-pitying adjective here] enough
Stage 4: Find a Coping Mechanism
I can’t take another broken relationship. So I let no one get close enough to penetrate my walls and when they do they are pushed away. Decision to go on with my life and let God take over and call it surrender (without really surrendering). I mean, the “surrender” is motivated and fed by fear. God must have a reason why I am going through all this pain, He must be teaching me something. Followed by a faint “I will wait on You Lord”. It’s not like I have much choice anyway!
Stage 5: Wait a Minute
Realize I am not in a healthy state. Get into a melancholic state and go through a whole lot of soul searching. Discover faults with the other stages and realize both parties in a relationship are human beings and both make mistakes and have fears. And both may be at different points in life and hence the lack of cohesion. And would you believe it, a lot is pegged on your unhealthy self esteem, in my case, quite low. This stage is quite draining and tiring. We all know truth is hard especially when said truth is about self.
Stage 6: Surrender
Cry out to God for healing. Accept that He has a good plan for my life and He knows the desires of my heart. Focus on His calling for my life and get into the business of God’s work for me. Strive to have my identity in Christ.
Deal with the past mistakes. This leads to a lot of apologies, confession and repentance which leads to FORGIVENESS. This has been the hardest in this stage and has to be done regularly. Also asking for forgiveness even if you felt you did nothing wrong. You probably did. But most importantly, forgiving self!
Stage 7: Allow for shepherding
Being open to another relationship. Only God could have brought me to this place. This means I know what I want. I am not desperate and I am relying on God’s leading even as He corrects and teaches me. I consult Him as I make decisions and He speaks and I strive to listen as I cultivate a relationship with Him. I am willing to be patient and listen to my shepherd and drown out the other voices
“……the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”